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The Outsider: Chapter 17 - The Moment Part 1

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Published: Dec 6, 2013

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Literature Text

The Outsider: Chapter 17 - The Moment Part 1

Pairing: Raph/Mikey, Mikey/Raph
Rating: R

Summary: How does one cope with being an Outsider of your own family?
For Raph, it's simple. His family is happy: Deal With It.

Chapter 17 Summary: A First Time for Two. The Moment has Finally Come, but some things must first be said...

You can find the first 16 parts here:

Chapter 17 - The Moment Part 1

(Raph's POV)

After everything that had been going on during the past, few days...after everything we've been doin' with each other...why was I still kinda nervous?

Well, fine. Kinda would be me lyin' my ass off. I just don't wanna fuck this up.

I really don't. When Mikey had told me that he had never, well, done That before...it was pretty damn surprising.

He was saving up for me? Damn. I needed dis to go perfect.

And here I was, standing by the doorway, watching as Mikey was literally bouncing up and down the bed. Those damn blue eyes just kept staring at me, like a hawk would do if they were sizing up some prey.

Seems the kid was still somewhat floatin' from the stuff we did this morning. What can I say, countless wet dreams and dirty fantasies sometimes brings the animal, dominatin' part of me. And not only did Mikey never complain, I swear that each time we did something, he was begging me with those eyes to push a little bit more.

The little Nympho.

I couldn't help but smirk at Mikey. Now he was lyin' all the way back, with his feet swayin' back and forth while his fingers drummed over his knees. Like when we were kids, and he was waitin' for Splinter to give him some damn Ice Cream or something...

"So, Mikey. What should we do? Want something?"

He smiled at me, with those blue 'puppy-dog' eyes beckoning me to come over. I couldn't help but do it slowly. Takin' my time. Studying that body, and that skin that was so much lighter than me.

It fit perfectly. Mine was the darkest of all of us. His was the lightest.

I slowly climped onto the bed, in order to size him up. Then I heard him answer my question.

"Hmm, do I want something? Maaaay-Be. Coooould-Be. Miiiight-Be."

And I saw it. Something that I'm guessin' most didn't see. He smiles, but it ain't the right way. I could tell...his eyes. Little ticks on his face. The tiniest glimpses of the smile breakin'.

"Don't."

My 'one-word answer' freezes him. I could see some of the confusion etchin' on his face. He's not gettin' what I mean. When Mikey answers with a 'Huh', it just confirms it even more.

"Dat. The BS smile. If yer nervous, then say it. If yer unsure, then talk it out. But you do that too damn much. Them 'fake smile' shit."

Now I could see Mikey's eyes flowing left to right, not wanting to look at me.

"I'm not! I'm..."

"Hey!"

I cup his face, so that his eyes are lookin' straight at me.

"Ya really love me?"

And that got his attention. It almost looked like I had splashed ice cold water on him. His blue eyes rose up, his body was risin' up to meet mine, his arms were trying to grab my shoulders, and his mouth was ready to motor on at rapid speed.

"Whooooa whoa whoa! Of course I d---"

I softly lean done and cover his mouth. It was probably the softest kiss I ever gave him. When he melted down onto the bed and closed his eyes for a split second, I eased up from his lips.

"Don't lie den. You do that a lot. Sometimes, we ask you stuff. And I damn well know, even if you don't agree with it...or don't like it...you put out that 'fake smile' of yours and go along with it. Just so that we're 'happy' and stuff. But...Just...stop that."

I've never been much for words. Usually I use a fist or something to talk for me. And there's about a hundred things that I wanna say now. Bout how Mikey would sometimes do shit that he doesn't want to so that we 'don't feel bad.'

And I see it, the nervousness creepin' up on his eyes. And I see a smaller smile. Smaller, but it's more of da truth to it.

"Heh, I guess it's just, well, First Time Jitters, Raph. I don't, I mean...I don't--"

"Hey, Mikey. You don't wanna do this, we got all the time in the world and..."

"No!"

Shit! Now the kid is suffocatin' me. Probably the hardest and most fierce kiss that he's ever given me. He's barely letting my lips go while mumbling a few words from his lips.

"Believe me, want this. Want you, like Now and Tonight and Now. I just, I don't want to screw it up."

And...that got me. I just...just couldn't believe it. HE thinks he'd screw this up? He would?

I don't know if I looked confused, angry, pissed off, or all of the above but Mikey noticed something. I couldn't help it, because I just didn't get it.

"You screw up? You?!? Ya fuckin' serious?"

And I couldn't help it. I laughed. Long and hard. I looked into those wide, blue eyes and that soft body that was under me, and I had to get up and walk back and forth. I'm sure Mikey was pretty damn confused, but my mind was starting a rampage in my own head. Like a tiny crack in a dam that should not even have a passing glance, but instead brings the whole fucking thing down.

"He thinks he'd screw it up. I mean, Ha Ha Ha! You want ME to be YOUR first, and you're worried that YOU would fuck it up? You know Mikey...ya know..."

Memories, emotions, feelings, and flashes just started erupting throughout my head. How could someone like this kid be worried about himself messin' up, but not scared of me fucking it up?

And that was it. This was going to be not only my first time, but HIS first time. All the stuff that we had done before, it was like a montage of 'Dirty Fantasies Volume 1' that had been collected throughout the years from all of the wet dreams I had flowed throughout my own head. And that's exactly how it had felt like. A fantasy. A dream. Like a whirlwind of fantasies being brought to the real world.

But taking him, to actually take him, was something else. Ya only have one 'first time'. And Mikey doesn't know exactly who he is getting himself messed up with...

He doesn't know the blood and grime that I wiped off my hands and body. The dead at my feet or the smell of burnt flesh, because of me and me alone.

"Raphie? What is it?"

God damn, that voice was soft. I was now sitting on the bed, with my shell towards him, and all I could do was look out the window. He had to know. Whether I be damned, or ruin this fuckin' dream that I was having, he had to know.

"Ya don't know who I really am, ya know?"

I could feel those soft hands petting across my shoulders, and that hot breath ghosting across the back of my neck.

"Ok then, I'll play this game. Just who are you?"

I close my eyes, and feel my hands tighten into fists.

Me? I'm the type that they call Damaged Goods. I'm the type that would flow out some self-pity that would make an 'emo' blush, and yet too chicken shit to admit it. I'm the type that killed and slaughtered the Foot when they joked and laughed about testing on you guys. Using you, or rapin' or murderin' you. I'm the type that killed and would kill again, not giving a fuck if you looked at me crazy if that meant all of you guys were safe. I'm the type that's so fucked up that, week after week, my hands would shake in the bathroom remembering the most fucked up things. Impaling Leo with his own sword, bashing yer skull in with a pipe. I'm the type of guy who don't deserve someone like you who, with his eyes, is tryin' to look into me and see something that ain't there. Someone who ain't worth the trouble. An asshole with bouts of self pity and self loathing that's killed, and can't even promise that I wouldn't do it again to the next bastard who took a shot at you guys.

It was probably the most that I ever talked in my life. Me watching them, me thinkin' about them, fears & worries & doubts. And me, the big & tough turtle, was now feelin' wetness streakin' over my beak. If it couldn't get more pitiful before, it could now.

"That's what I am. Ya only get one, like, true 'first time' Mikey. Leo & Donnie, they make sense. I don't. It just don't make sense with me."

And all I could do was look outside and listen to the silence. Those hands of Mikey's were just frozen on my shoulders. But when they wrapped around my waist, I was confused. And when they pulled me back onto my shell, I was worried. And when those hands pressed gently on my chest, and those blue eyes stared down at me, I was breathless.

"Well, when I said I was nervous about screwing up, I just meant on what the first position should be?"

My blank face was I guess enough answer for him to continue.

"You know, on my back? Me riding you? Doggy style, well I mean, would it be Turtle style? You know, Turtle style? Eh?"

Heh. Hehe. Hehehehehehe.

I leaned my head back and fits of laughter was busting out of my gut. And the scent of Mikey enveloped me when he wrapped me up in his arms. I felt weak, pitiful, d--

"Stop."

I look up at Mikey's face.

"Please? Just, can I hold you Raphie? Just for a bit, like this?"

I didn't know what to say, so I just let him. My head was against his plastron, the the drum of his heartbeat seemed pretty relaxin' to me. Both his arms and legs were wrapping around me, almost like his was tryin' to build some type of cocoon over me.

I could feel soft kisses against my scalp, as that soft skin of his hands sooted over my body.

"I still want you as my first. And honestly, I just love you more, bro."

I was going to say some words, but the kid wasn't having it.

"Would you cry, if you were so evil? Would you save me, like this right here, if you were so bad?" And with that, he kissed my shoulder. The one with the bullet wound from before.

"If you had 'no heart', would you be so scared for us? You know, you were right before. I'm not all about 'smiles' and such. Look at me."

As I stared into those blue eyes, it was hard not to get lost in them.

"See if I'm lying when I say this. If someone was willing to hurt Leo or Donnie, to hurt you, you think I wouldn't do something about that? When you were shot, and I thought those bastards had taken you away from me BECAUSE of me, did you think I didn't want to hunt them all down? Every, single one of them! If I lost you, I would have gone crazy. I really would have, Raphie, and..."

I always hated seeing Mikey cry. But yet again, before I could say anything, he kept going.

"We didn't help either, you know? We left you out. We didn't go up and talk to you, or corner you and make you talk, or anything. We left you alone. I Left you alone, and I promise. I will not leave you alone again, you got that Raphie-boy? You're not damaged goods, you hear me? You're not God Damn Damaged Goods!"

And with that, he started shaking my shoulders. Again and again, repeating it over and over again.

"Say it Raph, say it! Say 'I'm not Damaged Goods'."

"Alright, I'm not Damaged Good."

"I don't believe you."

"I'm not fucking Damaged Goods, alright!?"

"Good, now can I have my First Time already or not!"

As we both stared at each other, we couldn't help but let chuckles and soft laughs bubble up. It seemed I wasn't the only one that had certain stuff 'down in the basement', so to speak. And I think we both knew that it wasn't going to be a hundred percent solved at this moment and time. But, this felt good. It felt nice.

"Heh, so ya really want me that bad, eh?"

I figured he's have a smart-ass quote. Or maybe, something pretty nice. But I'd be damned if I thought he'd start fuckin'...well...singin'.

"Tonight it's very clear
'Cause we're both lying here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you
I would never leave you alone."

Ho-Ly Shit. The little knucklehead's smilin' didn't seem to stop him from going on.

"Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone."

Of course, him rolling around on top of me didn't help. Neither did me shakin' my head, or grumbling or mumbling or asking what the hell he thought he was doing. Instead, it just made Mikey sing even louder.

"I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever
Knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love."

"Jesus Christ, Mikey. Yer even sappier than I thought."

But there was no venom in my words. There just couldn't be, not at this moment.

"Hehe, you love me that way."

And I couldn't lie to him. I just couldn't.

"Yeah. I do."

And that seemed to stop the singin', and instead he leaned down and kissed me. Hungry, softly, sensually, wonderfully.

"Raph, there's no one else that I'd rather have this moment with, and I mean that."

"Well, it ain't every night that you get someone ta sing to you."

"Mmm, damn straight."

"Heh, and now you're starting to sound like me."

"Mmm, damn straight."

"Shit, Leo & Donnie are gonna think I've been a bad influence on ya."